Starry Fever: Beauty in High Clarity

Friday War Post -- Belated...

2005-09-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't have the heart to make a war post yesterday, what with everything going on. But here's a bit of satire from my sister site. Argh.

""My fellow Americans...

We are not failing in New Orleans. This is a new kind of war. We are not failing on the Gulf Coast. We will win the battle against the insurging waters. We must stay the course. We are not pulling our people out of New Orleans, and we are not going to create a timetable for pulling them out, because of the message that would send to the waters--and to our own people. Freedom is on the march - we have declared martial law, and we will defend our Walmarts. The looters will be shot, London subway-style. They shall not affect our resolve.

(more after jump)

The Louisiana people are a free people -- they want to be free. And we will give them that freedom. There are some weather systems who, uh, feel like that, you know, the conditions are such that they can attack us here. My answer is: Bring 'em on. We got the force necessary to deal with the Hurricane situation. In August 2005, we were attacked by a terrible enemy from the Atlantic. It was an attack that reminded us that we are at war. But this is a new kind of war. One without borders, and with no regard for human life. This is why we must stay the course. Or the hurricanes will win.

Global warming? To tell you the truth, I really don't spend much time thinking about that.

Thousands have died. If we pull the survivors out now, the deaths of those who have died before them will have been meaningless. We will stand down as the dead stand up. It will be hard work, but I believe in a free Louisiana, and so do the New Orleans people. Just as the United States did not surrender after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, America today will not retreat from this new age of Hurricane Terror. We will hunt down the hurricanes, and we will bring them to justice. Never forget: they (the hurricanes) hate our way of life. You can't reason with these things. Reducing toxic pollution and preserving water-absorbing wetlands is not an option.

Shoot to kill. Bring 'em on. Dead or alive. Stay the course. 9/11. New Orleans. Shock and awe.

Tomorrow I plan to ask Congress for funding. We will declare a Global War on Hurricanes (GWOH). We shall hunt down the weather systems, whether they form in the deserts of Africa, or in the terror-harboring waters of the Atlantic. We will pass the MORWAR act through a Congress too frightened to examine its details. With this act, we shall wage war against the domestic insurgency of thunderstorms and tornadoes. In the meantime, go out and buy gasoline. Invest in beachhouses and sailboats. Show Mother Nature that we will not be silenced into believing the great lie of Global Warming. We will bring in contractors to rebuild the infrastructure and we will bring the National Guard here, to bring democracy at last to New Orleans."

I'll be honest: I don't really see what all the fuss is about with respect to Alexis Bledel,
but some of you guys and girls seem to find her hot. So...

Keira Knightley dates pop stars named Kaz

2005-09-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

First of all, it's the first of September.

That's cool.

Secondly, Keira Knightley is reportedly dating Bodyrockers frontman Kaz James. Earlier this month, the screen beauty split from boyfriend Calvin Klein model Jamie Dornan after two years after the pair clashed over conflicting work schedules.

Keira, 20, has now been spotted enjoying a string of romantic dinner dates with handsome Australian pop star Kaz - whose group recently scored a top-ten hit with their single 'I Like The Way' - in London, and according to friends the actress is completely smitten with her new man.

One pal revealed: "Keira really likes Kaz. The pair really into each other. "It's early days between them and they are both trying to keep it under wraps."

I'd totally turn into a pop star to date Keira Knightley. But there's no way I'd adopt a group name like Bodyrockers. That just screams, "do me in the bum." Not that there's anything wrong with...what am I saying? That's a sucky name for a band. All I have to say is, if Keira catches him making out with fellow "Body rockers", she shouldn't say I didn't indirectly warn her.

Well, I'm not exactly warning her. It's more of me making fun of her. Well, not her. Just the guy she's dating.

More after the jump.

The first four are see-through, if you look carefully. Brilliant photography, I must say.

I have yet to see her in King Arthur. Someone e-mailed me, and told me it was good. I have yet to reply.

Elizabeth Hurley is rocking my socks

2005-08-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

First of all, my sympathies go out to everyone affected by Hurricane Katrina. Things are pretty bad over there, and, well, if you can spare a dollar or two, there are a bunch of charities that would appreciate it.

Second of all, Elizabeth Hurley gives me goosebumps. Goosebumps of hotness. It's almost morning here, and I just had to say that. She's hot. And now if you'll excuse me, I've got some hottie-spotting to do.

I'd hit it till I could hit it no more.

Friday War Post -- Dying to go on vacation!

2005-08-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

Hola! I figured, since I was vacation, and our President was vacation, I'd have a look at how things are going over there in Iraq...

Oh. They're pretty bad.

68 US troops have been killed in Iraq since Bush went on vacation.
Source: Bush Vacation Body Count. And he's still on vacation. I mean, it doesn't even phase the guy. 5 weeks. When last did you have a five-week vacation? I'm just coming off one, but then again, I'm still in college. The lives of an entire country full of men, women, and children don't depend on whether I take a 5-week vacation in the middle of a war.

What's his excuse?

But as he said, it's important for him to go on with his life. I mean, I know what I'd be doing if I were the leader of the free world, and a bunch of 18-year olds were busy dying in a foreign country (due to a war I declared under false and greedy pretenses). That's right -- I'd be in Idaho, riding my bike. Fishing.

Now watch this drive!

The attack of the ever-shifting objectives (aka, The Wizard of Crawford Teleports to Idaho)

Meanwhile, the objective of the war has shifted (yet again). Let's try to recap: first, we went to war because Saddam had weapons of mass destruction (mushroom clouds, our valient Dick reminded us). Then, when we didn't find any, the reason for war shifted to "liberating the Iraqi people", and to bring them "democracy and freedom." Well, the news isn't reporting on it as much as you'd expect, but the new Iraqi constitution -- the one the White House keeps trying to set deadlines for the Iraqis to approve? They (the Iraqi governing council) are trying to make it so the Constitution is based on the "Old Testament" equivalent of the Qu'uran. Meaning, women would have fewer rights under the "Free" Iraq than they had under Saddam. I'm not making this stuff up -- it's that bad. Anyway, now that the Bushistas are acknowledging that a majority of people are now against the war, the objective has shifted -- AGAIN! The latest from White House headquarters is that we're fighting the war in Iraq to honor the dead! I shit you not -- we're literally continuing to let our troops die so the already-dead ones will have company.

Terri Schiavo (RIP) could have led this country better than our President. That is, until the Republicans began reading her mind for her.

Okay, that's all the war talk I'm writing about this morning. If you want more, head on over to Crooks and Liars or the Daily Kos. If you're in the mood for politically-themed bumper stickers, try Bumper Sticker Patriots. If you're staying here, then it's time for some beauty.

(If the horse didn't give away who today's set will be about, then you probably missed yesterday's entry). Hello Horsey Chabert!

I'd hi--...well, she doesn't have the body of a horse, anyway. So yeah, I'd hit it. I'd ride it like a jockey in the final turn of the Belmont Stakes.

Hilary Duff is turning into a horse.

2005-08-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hilary Duff has had a busy week. The teen pop sensation has been a blonde and a brunette, has ditched french fries and even did a little apartment shopping in New York this week. Now her new disc "Most Wanted," a compilation disc mixing Duff's biggest hits with current "TRL" favorite "Wake Up" has sold 208,000 copies in the week that ended August 21, and has debuted at the top of the charts according to Nielsen SoundScan.

But that's not what this entry's about...

Hilary Duff is turning into a creature of the equiine persuasion. There, I said it. It's something that's been bothering me for a while, ever since I noticed her appearance on Chin Leno, back in June. I mean, I don't have anything in particular against horseish-looking people (Lacey Chabert is a fine example of a human thoroughbred), but...it works with some people (like Lacey), and it doesn't work with others -- like Hilary.

John over at SPR emailed this to me this morning. I had no idea she was even venturing into this Ashlee-Simpsonesque phase. Perhaps I'll have to make an entry next week about how today's teen stars are turning into tomorrow's Animporphs. It's scandalous, baby!

Pictures of Horsey McDuff after the jump.

Okay, scratch that.

2005-08-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

All right. I just checked my mailbox, and I've got about thirty angry emails that seem to be saying the same thing. So, here's the plan -- for now, at least:

Starry Fever stays up, until I get back. Then, I'll start making new posts again. I'm using Mazzy's account, so bear with me here. Yes, putting up the re-direct was a bad idea, and I take full responsibility for it. I'd forgotten that if I put it up, people wouldn't be able to read the archives. Anyway, I'll try to put something up every couple of days until I'm back full-time, so you'll know the site is still up.

I figured this would take less time than replying to thirty emails at 9 in the morning. Cheerio!

Marcia Cross is getting married

2005-08-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

'Desperate Housewife' Marcia Cross has announced her engagement - just weeks after laughing off rumours she is a lesbian. The flame-haired actress, who plays neurotic Bree Van De Camp in the hit TV show, accepted boyfriend Tom Mahoney's proposal last weekend.

The pair have not yet set a date but it will be the first wedding for both 43-year-old Marcia and her stockbroker boyfriend, 47.
The sexy star caused a storm earlier this year after passionately kissing co-star Felicity Huffman at a gay awards ceremony, amidst rumours she was about to 'come out'.

But Marcia denied speculation that she was gay, saying: "It's very odd, and I assume this is what comes of being 42 and single. I don't know if they needed to find a reason why I wasn't married. I mean, I'm not a lesbian."

There's something really hot about Marcia Cross, but I don't have a clue what it is. I've never watched an episode of Desperate Housewiv---wait. Okay, I've seen one. But it was only because it was on, and I was too lazy to change the channel. That, and Eva Longoria started walking around in a bathing suit. It's kind of hard to switch channels once that kind of stuff starts happening. Apparently, the second season starts this September. I might have to watch a few episodes. You know, just until I find my remote.

Martina Hingis >, <, or = Natalie Portman?

2005-08-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

I remember the days when Martina Hingis used to play tennis. Those were some pretty good days. It wasn't just because she was hot -- she could actually play. I mean, she wouldn't just play, and hop up and down -- she'd actually win, too. That wasn't a swipe at Anna Kournikova, because the only time Anna ever scored a Grand Slam was when Emilio Iglesias took her to Dennys. Now, that was a swipe. But I digress. Martina was known as The Swiss Miss for a reason, and in the nineties, before the William sisters struck gold, Miss Hingis was my favorite player. In a way, she still is. She had flair.

Anyway, she did something this June, and she still looked to be in good shape. I know the chances are slim of her coming back to the game professionally, but she really should. She's just 24.

But enough with the sentimentalism. Martina Hingis looks like Natalie Portman. I think they might be secret sisters. Yes, yes, one was born in Czechoslovakia, and the other was born in Israel, but their parents could have traveled. Yes, yes, they have different parents...well, they could have been adopted! And maybe they're been kept away from each other because if each sister found out who she truly was, the world would explode in a firework of coincidences.

Hey. It could happen.

You know it's possible. I mean, it's no more far-fetched than the FACT that Lindsay Lohan is (related to) the Wendy's Girl, aka Wendsy Lohan. That was totally true. So is this.

The last one is a hi-res version of the pre-jump teaser. I'm thinking "Natalie Hingis", or "Martina Portman." Either would make a fine name for my hybrid hotness project. Stay tuned for details.

Theory #456 on What Happened to Natalee Holloway

2005-08-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

Aruba is one of the main islands for off-shore banking. This is where tax cheats and corporations put their loot.
Natalie had stumbled upon several billions of missing Iraq/war money in a Halliburton account. She turned to run out of there and tripped over the WMD's. She had to be terminated.

This brilliant theory was brought to you by Professor McFuzzy.

Personally, I hope this case drags on for the next thirty years. I mean, I can't get enough of Natalee. Natalee Natalee Natalee. I don't know what I'd do if Greta van Sustren wasn't spending enough time in Aruba to apply for dual-citizenship, in her tireless dedication to bring us the truth about what really happened to Natalee. Nevermind that there's a war going on. Nevermind that whole thing about nominating a man to the Supreme Court whose opinions on the roles of women would fit snugly in the black-and-white portion of Pleasantville -- which, by the way, is one hell of a movie. Nevermind that whole thing about how more and more soldiers are returning from Iraq every day with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. Naaah. I don't need to hear about that. Just keep me informed on whether they've drained the ocean yet. I need my Holloway fix. Maybe that mother of hers - Beth "I love TV" Twitty Holloway - can tell us who really killed JFK. She seems to have such a good bearing on who the bad guys are in Aruba.

However, there are some Natalies I wouldn't mind getting lost on a Carribbean island with. You know who I mean. Saturday anchors, ahoy!

Friday War Post -- Liar liar, Iraq is still on fire.

2005-08-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

Obviously, the thought of being at war doesn't give me some kind of sick thrill, but it's friday, and the regulars among you know what that means. Freedom-haters hop straight to the jump. Patriots, read on. I'm feeling glib today, so this'll be short.

Death Toll in Iraq.
US Soldiers: 1862 (as of Thursday).
Iraqi Civilians: 26705 (best estimate as of Thursday).
Cost of War in Iraq (in monetary terms): 188+ BILLION (and counting).
Number of WMDs found: 5. Just kidding. It's still ZERO. It'll always be ZERO. It always was ZERO. And he knew this from the start.

Zero as in, the number of military funerals President Bush has attended since he sent our brothers, sisters, sons and daughters to die in the hellhole we created.

Never forget this. No matter how many times those liars in Congress (not to mention the ones in the White House) try to tell you that this War was about spreading freedom, about liberating the Iraqi people, about anything other than OIL and Money, don't fucking buy it. Don't. Remember: We *allegedly* invaded because Saddam had Weapons of Mass Destruction -- which he *didn't*. The rest of the world begged us to call in UN inspectors to check out Iraq, if we were so sure that they (Iraq) had WMDs. We didn't. Bush started planning the invasion a LONG time before he and Cheney and Rumsfeld and Powell started repeating "mushroom cloud" everywhere in 2002 and in 2003. We were LIED to. Never forget that.

By the way, 9 BILLION dollars are missing from Iraq. As in, money our government allegedly sent there to help with reconstruction? No one can seem to find it. When last did you hear that on the nightly news? Yeah, me neither. But that doesn't make it any less true. There's an almost unimaginable amount of corruption going on behind the already-bizarre nature of this so-called War. I don't feel like writing about how the US only allowed US-based contractors to win billion-dollar bids for the re-construction of Iraq, and about how we continue to enforce that policy...or about how General Electric (parent company of NBC) is one of the largest contractors in Iraq, yet people expect them to provide a fair-and-balanced report on the goings-on within that poor country -- there's so much corruption going on right now that it's enough to make you wonder if this war was more about money than it was about Saddam (or the WMDs he didn't have).

Oh, and despite the 400-billion dollar defense spending bills Bush has been pushing through Congress in the past two years, the majority of our troops still don't have adequate supplies (such as elemental body armor) to keep them from being blown into thirty pieces by insurgents in Iraq. If you carry one of those yellow "Support our troops" bumper stickers, you might want to consider supporting our troops by asking our government to use something other than Grade-D steel on Army tanks and Marine Helicopters. But hey...as long as you're doing your part with made-in-China magnetic ribbons, then we're winning. Right?

If you really think this war was the right thing to do, and you really think we should stay there for a moment longer, then I *urge* you to consider this page: GO ARMY. Enlist...or take that fucking ribbon off, and *do* something to bring our boys and girls home. You might not give a damn about the Iraqi people, but for the grace of God/Allah/whateveryoubelievein, you could have been born in Baghdad X years ago, and YOU would be living out the hell that they are nowadays. That is, if you were still lucky enough to be alive. How about we stop sending our people to kill their people, stop trying to steal their oil and profit by giving ourselves reconstruction contracts (for the damage which, if you'll remember, we created), and stop using the bullshit excuse that we're bringing freedom to a nation that was, by all sane accounts, a far safer nation before our invasion than the firestorm its become today.

-------
P.S, The guy who's proposing the Freedom Tower design is wrong. It looks tacky, and it's not fit to stand in the *shadow* of the Twin Towers, much less to be a full-fledged replacement. I'm not even going into the jingoistic idiocy of naming it "Freedom Tower." Idiot.
-------

Thanks, as always, to SuperiorPics2 for these. I never saw Jennifer Connelly in Dark Water, but I plan to this fall. Even if the previews made it look like a cheesy Ring ripoff.

The pitfalls of poorly designed websites

2005-08-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

Every so often, as I surf the internets, I come across a website so appalling...so disgusting...yea, so terrifying...that I have to tell everyone I know of its existence. Well, today, I found two such websites. Both happened to be on blogspot. I'm going to share the milder one with you, and leave out the one that did more damage to my computer.

Website #1: ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com. In case the title of the website didn't offer some simple clue as to what could possibly be contained within the website, well, go read it again. The site itself isn't as bad as you'd imagine -- there are *no* pictures. However, it *is* the single funniest thing I read yesterday, so if you haven't seen it already, or if you just have a general desire to read a first-hand account of sexual relations with the she-devil her/himself, knock yourself out.

Website #2: I'm not saying. Not because I know the guy behind it (although I probably do, in some vague, six degrees of separation way), but because the website is so devoid of reasoning that I couldn't share it with another human being in good conscience. There's nothing gross or visually offensive on the site -- rather, it's a simple hi-res celebrity blog thingy. Safe enough for a ten year old. The problem is...there are a lot of GIFs on the site. I counted five as my computer alternately froze, then unfroze, then froze again in some macabre staccato. The gif files weren't just little pictures, like the soothing ocean wave picture to the upper right -- they were little mini-movies that kept on looping over and over and over and ******* over again. In addition, several hi-res *uncompressed* photos went from the top, all the way to the bottom. To put it simply, the site had waaaay too much information concentrated on one page. And it made my computer unusable for approximately seventeen minutes. Which really made me sad.

A preview of things to come...

Some of you will write in with astute observances such as, "why didn't you reboot?" or "Ctrl+Alt+Delete", or "adblock!". Well you know what? I wasn't going to let this website win. I decided to stay the course. Every five minutes, as the little pointy arrow briefly responded to my commands, I could feel myself turning a corner. Unfortunately, it took me about sixteen minutes to realize that I'd just wasted fifteen minutes trying to fight a really, really poorly-designed blog. It was bad. Real bad. As far as I can tell, there weren't any idiotic scripts, worms, or the like trying to load within the page. It was just horrendously set up - which made it all the more aggravating.

Basic lesson: don't put too much stuff on each page. It'll make people hate you. It'll make computers want to send you spontaneously-generated worms and viruses. It'll make Starryfever never visit your website again. Personally, I try to keep this site from getting too big on the front page. If it does (or if y'all tell me it's taking a long time), I reduce the number of posts per page. A few days ago, I discovered how to cut out part of the entry, so people on slow connections wouldn't grow old while waiting for pages to load. It's just web ettiquette.

Now that I've got that off my chest, here's Mandy Moore -- before she went dark-haired. "In my pocket" was one hell of a catchy song.

The two weirdest things I've seen from the past two days

2005-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

First of all, Steve Irwin (the Crocodile Hunter), has started advertizing for Subways (the food chain). I'm not really sure what to make of this. One on hand, Steve is/was/used to be cool. On the other, advertizing for Subways is a pretty bad sign for a guy who already has two shows on Animal Planet. I'll have to think about this one.

The second (and even more disturbing) thing that's been bothering me concerns something I saw this weekend: The Amber Alert Indy 300. Yes, the Amber Alert Indy 300. Wrap your mind around that one. A part of me is so disgusted with that that I don't even want to finish this entry. But personally, I'm just glad that our nation has such a wonderful confluence of corporate sponsorship and everyday society. It does a heart good. It vaguely reminded me of the Cialis Western Open, and the Coca-Cola 600, and the Visa Triple Crown -- as in, those also made me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

Individuality is overrated. Stupid stupid stupid people.

I mean, what the hell is the Visa Triple Crown? Does it even mean anything anymore? I'm not an old fogey, but I do remember a time in history when the 3 biggest horse races in America weren't collectively sponsored and named after one of the largest credit card monopolies on Earth. I just went to their site: VISA IS EVERYWHERE. They brag about owning you. VISA IS EVERYWHERE. Look up there, about the Cialis Western Open. It's the second-oldest pro-golf tournament in the country, after the US Open. Until 1986, it was called the Western Open. Since then, its been sponsored by one corporate entity after another. The same thing will happen (yet again) to the Triple Crown after another corporate monster takes the reins in 2006.

All your lives are belong to us.
Personally, I can't wait for the Levitra World Series.

Anyway, I've got this theory that Martina Hingis is related to Natalie Portman. I might run an exposé on this later in the week. For now, I'm feeling purple.

Scarlett Johansson used to date heroin addicts

2005-08-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

The stunning actress,Scarlett Johansson currently rumoured to be romancing Josh Hartnett, has confessed she dumped her junkie boyfriend - who she did not name - when his addiction got out of control.

She revealed: "It was horrible. I won't allow myself to get involved with somebody like that again because I was never as important as the drug." Scarlett is currently thought to be romancing Josh after falling for him on the set of her new movie.

I feel her pain. I imagine dating a junkie wouldn't be cool to begin with, but it must have been even worse dating a junkie as Scarlett Johansson. I mean, it couldn't have helped her self-image to find out that a guy was more into in chasing the dragon than he was about chasing Johansson. Seriously, though. Here's a note to every guy out there who still looking for the right person: getting hooked on fucking drugs is a pretty pissy way to lose your significant other. If one of my friends told me he dumped Keira Knightley because she was getting in the way of his opium fix, well, I'd have to go dig out the shotgun from under the bed. Because if there's one thing I refuse to have, it's a friend who doesn't share my priorities -- namely, the quest for all things hot.

A snortload of pictures after the jump. Dial-up users, BEWARE. Broadband users, enjoy the goodness.

Things You should Use to View this Site

2005-08-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

All right. I figured I might as well do this, because these programs make viewing this blog quite fun for me -- so naturally, I had to share them with y'all.

Firefox. Yes, there's already a link to it on the right, but some people don't click on links. If you don't use this browser, you should. Apparently, about a third of you do. That's good -- but about half of you still use IE, or some variant of it. Drop it. Firefox is a better browser. It's also going to come in handy for the next two programs I'm going to mention.

DownThemALL. It's an extension that does pretty much what you'd guess from its title. It's a Firefox extension that basically allows you to download a hundred different things with one click. If you use it here with pictures, then you don't have to save each picture individually. Automation is key for enhanced fapability. Remember that. Finally, the kicker:

De-Imageshack. Imageshack is where almost all hi-res pics of celebrities and unicorns are posted. The thing is, DownThemALL has trouble pulling links from Imageshack -- namely, it can't. That's why a very dedicated chap invented De-Imageshack, to save hi-res connoisseurs the trouble of click-click-clicking. It's another Firefox extension. Get it now. You'll be glad you did.

So...

If you get all three of these, and install them, then you'll have no trouble downloading the Scarlett Johansson shoot I'm posting tomorrow -- provided you're on broadband, anyway. If you stick with Internet Explorer, then all your friends will make fun of you. Nah. But hey -- these here are the tools of the trade. Firefox isn't just good for my site; it's good for a lot of sites. I'm going to make a hyperlink to this entry, so future visitors can benefit from it. I'll also add other applications I find highly useful from time to time, so stay tuned.

Finally, Elizabeth Hurley is hot. She's sort of what Keira K might look like in twenty years, if we're lucky.

Kelly Monaco is being Ridiculous

2005-08-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

Kelly Monaco knows there are television viewers who aren’t happy she won ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” competition, but she isn’t going to let it bother her.

“I do not hold anything personally. I’m not going to go home and cry because someone did not like my dancing,” the actress from ABC’s “General Hospital” said Tuesday of a viewer backlash. “I felt from the beginning this is fun for me. ... If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. I wouldn’t be sitting here if the whole world hated what I did,” she told the Television Critics Association.

The only reason I posted that was so I could post these -- these being Kelly in September's issue of Maxim. To tell you the truth, I'm kind of mad at her right now. Not because of anything she did to me personally, but because her acting on GH has been...well, it's been kind of bad lately. She's not a very good kidnapee. And it's even worse when you notice how often "Dancing with the stars" is being tied into or referenced in all three GH soaps. Yes, I watch General Hospital. It's like Days of Our Lives, except it doesn't suck.

Well, I shouldn't say that. It's actually been sucking pretty hard for the past few months. The new Carly needs to take a long vacation. Preferably one that involves her resignation.

The rest after the jump.

I do acknowledge that she hasn't lost hotness as a result of her joining the show.

Scandal: Lindsay Lohan = the Wendys Girl!

2005-08-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

As you can tell, I've been having a lot of rather deep thoughts lately. It was just Thursday when I wrote what lesser men would have shuddered to even dream (that Audrey Tautou could potentially be as hot as Audrey Hepburn). Then this Katherine Harris thing came up, and then that whole thing about having a corrupt President also got me thinking. I was about to write up an article on foreign policy, but that'll have to wait. Why? Today...today, I have a new revelation. One I've been dying to share with the rest of the free (and imprisoned) world:

The girl on the Wendys logo is Lindsay Lohan. Compare for yourself below!

This could potentially change the Disney-remake and fast-food worlds forever. Could dear, blonde Lindsay Lohan soon star in the movie adaptation of Wendys: The Untold Story? Was there a cover-up?

Won't you jump with me?

Okay -- so I don't think this can be a coincidence. In the past week, I've eaten at least three times at Wendys (that spicy chicken sandwich is something else), and each time as I drove away, I *knew* there was a connection. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Some of you will point out in emails that Wendsy Lohan pre-dates Lindsay Lohan by several decades. Others will note that, according to common knowledge, Dave Thomas named Wendys after his 8-year old daughter. Still more of you will say, "Wendsy Lohan is a cartoon chara--"...I don't care! Take your "facts" and "objections" somewhere else. This is the truth -- it should be on every news channel worth its salt. Lindsay Lohan is Wendsy Lohan re-incarnate. Be sure to consider this the next time you dine (at) or drive past Wendys.

By the way, that new commercial they have -- the one with cowboy ranch tooth? I LOVE that commercial :^)

Finally, simply because she's pretty, here is the lovely Alessandra Ambrosio. I refuse to upload a set of Bony Lohan, as a form of protest against her newfound lack of figure. Alessandra is a supermodel, and she doesn't look ridiculously skinny. Why? She was always skinny!

Remember: (Lindsay is Wendy) The truth shall set ye free.

An Open Letter to Michelle Malkin

2005-08-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

First of all, I don't know what to make of that picture. It's not Michelle Malkin, it's Kathy H.
I dunno. It just seemed like an appropriate opener.

(a possible caption):
"Am I smiling? I really can't tell."

Now, onto the post. Background story:
After Katherine Harris' debacle on Fox News (Tuesday night), I felt compelled to write a response. Tonight, I received word from fellow readers that Miss Malkin had accused me, and others, of "LIBERAL SEXISM UNLEASHED." Too hungry to write a reasoned and thoughtful response, I've decided to cull a post I made on an evil liberal blog into a brief letter of sexy liberal goodness.

Read on, ye wise ones.

Dear Michelle Malkin,

As the creator of Starry Fever, and the chap who wrote the 'big bouncing' entry, I now realize...that I wouldn't change a word.

If a person running for the U.S. Senate feels compelled to angle a silicon-laden chest (or, to be fair, a viagra-enhanced wanker) toward me on a national cable news channel, then that person, as far as I'm concerned, has voluntarily surrendered the right to be taken seriously.

A well-meant suggestion, Miss Malkin: when your *own* side starts making fun of you (nevermind your opponents), it might be a good idea to switch strategies.

Sincerely,
Joey

I think the Freeway Blogger is at the top of his game right now.

Friday Post: Cindy Sheehan meets the Cowardly Lion

2005-08-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's Friday. Yes, the madmen are still in charge of the asylum. And no, the sane half of the country isn't going to look the other way. Frenchmen should go directly to the jump for the hi-res set of the week, but true patriots, ye read on.

In the words of Cindy Sheehan:

"This is George Bush’s accountability moment. That’s why I’m here. The mainstream media aren’t holding him accountable. Neither is Congress. So I’m not leaving Crawford until he’s held accountable. It’s ironic, given the attacks leveled at me recently, how some in the media are so quick to scrutinize -- and distort -- the words and actions of a grieving mother but not the words and actions of the president of the United States...

There's more...

People have asked what it is I want to say to President Bush. Well, my message is a simple one. He’s said that my son -- and the other children we’ve lost -- died for a noble cause. I want to find out what that noble cause is. And I want to ask him: “If it’s such a noble cause, have you asked your daughters to enlist? Have you encouraged them to go take the place of soldiers who are on their third tour of duty?” I also want him to stop using my son’s name to justify the war. The idea that we have to “complete the mission” in Iraq to honor Casey’s sacrifice is, to me, a sacrilege to my son’s name. Besides, does the president any longer even know what “the mission” really is over there?"

I don't think his knowledge extends beyond avoiding responsibility, wherever it's found.

Don't forget: We're fighting them over there (there being Iraq, Bali, Spain, and most recently, London and Egypt), so we don't have to fight them over here. The next thing you know, we'll be fighting them in the blue states so we don't have to fight them in the red ones. This administration is a textbook definition of stupidity.

------------------------------------------------------------------ (end of serious stuff)

Fortunately, Keira Knightley remains a beacon of hope, in humanity's undying quest for hotness.

I can't wait to see her in that bounty hunter movie.

Audrey Tautou = The French Audrey Hepburn

2005-08-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that Audrey Tautou will be in The Davinci Code. Now, I haven't read the book (nor have I read Angels and Demons), but that isn't why I made this post. I made this post because Audrey Tautou bears an uncanny resemblance to Audrey Hepburn. I'm off to use my Harvard degree in Genetics to find a link in their family trees -- because it has to be there. Add this to my growing list of things to look up. Another theory I'm currently working on is if the Wendy's girl was somehow inspired by Lindsay Lohan. Yes, I know the Wendy's girl is older than LL -- don't let a little thing like an age discrepancy get in your way. I'll make a post of the Wendy Lohan connection later this week. Stay tuned for details.

Think about it: Audrey Tautou is one of the most classically beautiful women in the world. This is undebatable -- if you don't agree, then you probably haven't seen her in anything other than Amélie (although that should be enough). Audrey Hepburn was untouchable. Could Tautou be some God's gift to the modern world?

More photos after the jump. I think I might be onto something here.

Je ferais des choses vilains avec elle...

Katherine Harris has fake, bouncing breasts

2005-08-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I normally don't make posts on conservative politicians, but today, I had to make an exception. You see, two nights ago, Katherine Harris (Republican Congresswoman from the stupid section of Florida) was a guest on Fox News. And, well...she had a bit of a makeover.

The Video is Here (thanks Crooks and Liars)

Few pictures of her after the jump, but there's some top-notch analysis by yours truly:

All right.

First of all, I would hit that. Repeatedly. Maybe even without a paper bag. I'm not sure right now, but no matter your political affiliation -- this was such a desperate attempt to look sexy, it almost worked. Sure, her breasts defy gravity. Sure, she took three needles to the face before appearing on a national cable "news" show. Sure, she was standing at 3/4 profile to expose a silicon chest, and she's probably got cobwebs down under -- the fact is, if her campaign is this convinced that this is the only way she'll have a chance at winning whatever she's campaigning for, then I say go for it. More laughs for the rest of us.

Take a look at 0:56. Notice the swivel. Also have a look at 1:00 to 1:05. That thing she's doing with her upper lip? It got stuck. At least, that's the conclusion we've reached here, after numerous rewinds. Botox just isn't a good thing. Especially if it gives you a horsish face. A great many people have stated that she looked either drunk or stoned out of her mind. I went with drunk. I didn't get that Sweet Valley High accent she was trying out either, but hey. You can't make this stuff up. Crazy right-wing sex kittens (or at least their mothers) are more than willing to flirt with talking heads in order to show off their assets, all for the sake of...politics? I dunno.

Neeeiggggh!!!

To (mis)quote Alan Colmes: "Are those real?"

Mischa Barton + Nipples + Malibu = Goodness

2005-08-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

'The O.C.' star Mischa Barton has reportedly rekindled her romance with Brandon Davis. Sources claim the stunning actress is back in the arms of her ex-lover - but the pair are trying to keep their reunion secret. A friend revealed: "Mischa doesn't want anybody to know about it yet, because she doesn't want people to think she's one of those girls who always breaks up and then gets back together."

That's stupid. Anyway -- the news of Mischa Barton's nip slip at a Malibu photo shoot hit about two weeks ago, but why not enjoy the HQ goodness of it? Right here. Right now. NSFW pictures after the jump.

All right -- here we go:

Charlize Theron is HOT.

2005-08-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

I have nothing else to say. This lady is stunning. I don't have a list of favorite South African women, but I might have to start one, if more actresses from there end up over here.

Much, much more after the jump:

Kristin Kreuk, destroyer of pants and keyboards

2005-08-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

I never watch Smallville, but if I keep on finding pictures of Kristin Kreuk, I might have to start tuning in. To put it frankly, you don't need super-vision to follow her curves. Clark would have to be really gay to leave Smallville for Metropolis, with a girl like Lana Lane around. Then again, Lana Lane was never supposed to be this hot.

You know what?

Enough with the euphemisms.

Picture #4 would be enough to turn Spongebob Squarepants into a man of steel.

More after the jump:

I just ruined another pair of boxers. Damn you, Kristin Kreuk!

What Our Pres had to say about yesterday's news in Iraq

2005-08-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, and you know what that means...weekly roundup at the top, hi-res bonanza at the bottom. If you love your country, read on. If you're some kind of commie pinko, then maybe a topless Jennifer Aniston will get your patriotic juices flowing again. Here we go.

Some numbers for you:

49 - the number of vacations that Bush has taken since he was inaugurated in 2001
5 - the number of weeks that Bush will spend on vacation, starting wednesday. It is the longest presidential vacation in at least 36 years.
319 - August 3, 2005 was the 319th day Bush has spent on vacation since his 2001 inauguration.
20% - the fraction of Bush's presidency that he has spent on vacation.

(source)

Now:

23 - the number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq in August alone. That's right. In three days, 23 U.S. soldiers have been killed in Iraq.
1,822 - the total number of U.S. troops who have died in Bush's illegal Iraq war, as of August 3, 2005.

Fourteen soldiers were killed yesterday.

So what did Bush have to say?

President Bush lamented the deaths of 14 Marines in Iraq Wednesday, calling the deadly attack a "grim reminder" America is still at war.
"These terrorists and insurgents will use brutal tactics because they're trying to shake the will of the United States of America. They want us to retreat," Bush told some 2,000 state lawmakers, business leaders and public policy experts gathered here.
The president spoke on a day when a Marine amphibious assault vehicle patrolling during combat operations in the Euphrates River valley hit a roadside bomb, killing 14 Marines from the same Ohio battalion that lost six men two days ago.
"Make no mistake about it," Bush said. "We are at war."
[snip]
He said the families of fallen troops can know that the United States government will "honor their loved ones' sacrifice by completing the mission."

When will he go to a soldier's funeral? Probably never. My ass he "lamented the deaths of the 14 Marines...".

And just think! He's on vacation. God forbid he should actually work, much less trouble his empty brain with thoughts of dead soldiers for more than the time it takes to say a few bullshit sentences that someone told him to say.

Mission fucking accomplished, asshole.

--Plutonium Page.

Now, here's your hi-res. I was too busy making sandcastles on Long Island to check in, so I stole PP's entry from yesterday. I also found the rest of that Vanity Fair set. I never knew Jennifer Aniston was this hot. I might have to rethink what I said about Eva Longoria the other day.

Something boobalicious after the jump:

Lindsay Lohan wants her chest back. So do we.

2005-08-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan has hired a personal trainer - to put on weight. Speculation has been mounting in recent months that the sexy actress could be suffering from an eating disorder after she was repeatedly photographed looking stick-thin. But although Lohan, 19, has always refuted the claims, she has employed a specialist trainer to help her bulk up. Exercise coach Justin Gelband has put the 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' star on a special diet to restore her sexy curves and the star has purportedly gone up two dress sizes.

She said: "I'm working out with a trainer and eating healthily; I want my boobs back."

To put it mildly: you're not the only one who wants the old Lindsay back. The day I post a picture of a blonde Lindsay Lohan will be the day I go colorblind. And lose the part of my brain that differentiates between hot Lindsay and lanky Lohan. Should that day come, my pack of wild, yet loyal, wolf-dog-hybrids have been instructed to devour me whole. Or at least the part of my brain no longer able to tell the difference between busty redheads and shriveled-up blondes. On second thought, maybe we should just retrain the dogs to eat really skinny people. Not all skinny people. Just the ones who do what Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie did to their bodies.

Many more after the jump:

I miss this Lohan.

Eva Longoria apologizes to Jen over T-shirt

2005-08-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

TV’s Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is deeply ashamed of herself for wearing an “I’ll have your baby, Brad” T-shirt and has sent Brad Pitt’s estranged wife Jennifer Aniston a written apology, IMDb.com reports. Longoria caused a media frenzy when she was photographed wearing the top while shopping, as it was seen to mock Aniston’s alleged reluctance to have children with Pitt.

Longoria says, “I do regret wearing it and I have written to Jennifer Aniston to express my sympathies over her marriage.”

At the risk of sounding insentitive toward Jennifer Aniston for the second entry in a row, a woman like Eva Longoria doesn't have to apologize for wearing an "I'll have your baby t-shirt" -- even if the shirt refers to Brad Pitt. Even if she was actually having Brad Pitt's baby. It's clearly outlined in the StarryFever Handbook of Hotness (coming soon to a bookstore near you) that Eva =, >, or >> Jen, depending on the time of day. If there's anything Eva should apologize for, it should be for being so damn hot.

Bosomy goodness after the jump:

Jennifer Aniston admits nurturing Bradgelina

2005-08-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Aniston revealed she told Angelina Jolie to enjoy herself working with her husband Brad Pitt. The former 'Friends' beauty says she only met the stunning brunette once - and congratulated her on winning a role alongside hunky Brad in Mrs and Mrs Smith. Brad and Jennifer split shortly after the Hollywood star finished filming the movie.He and Angelina are now romancing - but insist they didn't have an onset affair.

She revealed: "I said (to Angelina), 'Brad is so excited about working with you I hope you guys have a really good time."

I can't imagine how Jennifer Aniston must have felt when she started receiving pictures of Brad and Angelina everywhere together. Especially after she encouraged "the other woman" to get together with her husband. It's not that I don't feel sorry for her, but every woman should know by now that allowing her significant other within fifty miles of Angelina Jolie is about as good an idea as sticking a metal fork into an electrical socket. A very sexy electrical socket, with lips to die for and a body to match. To put it mildly, Jennifer was the hand, Brad was the fork, and for the past few months, he's been forking Angelina Socket Jolie. Jennifer, understandably, must be shocked.

A few more after ze jump:

Scarlett Johansson's Breasts are Road Hazards

2005-08-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

Scarlett Johansson nearly crashed her car after being distracted by the sight of her own boobs on a giant Hollywood billboard. The sexy star was forced to slam on the brakes when she saw how her breasts had ballooned massively in size on the promotional poster.The 20-year-old beauty claims she was shocked because the poster, which promotes her new film The Island, had been digitally enhanced.

She said: "I was driving through Los Angeles and I look up and see the biggest photo of me I have ever seen in my life on a massive ad space."I had long hair and my goodness, I couldn't get past the cleavage."

"I screamed and slammed on the brakes, I couldn't believe it. It's very strange to see my cleavage the size of a brontosaurus. My breasts were huge. "

You can't blame her. I'd probably scream if I were Scarlett Johansson, and I saw my breasts in a mirror in the middle of the night. Then I'd probably start masturbating. One can only imagine how many accidents that billboard has caused since Scarlett's bosom was erected over downtown Los Angeles. The other day, while driving to a taping of The Price is Right, I ran four red lights as I passed the ad. It wasn't my fault. It's hard to steer a car while furiously masturbating. You should try it sometime. No one got hurt though, because almost every other driver had stopped driving to properly masturbate. Including the women. That was one freaky friday.

Britney Spears, Kabbalah, and Good Choices

2005-08-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears has planned a special Kabbalah blessing for her baby. The pregnant star has booked the religious group's Los Angeles head quarters for a September ceremony - nine days after her baby is due. The blonde singer and her husband Kevin Federline hope to invite up to 70 guests to the special ceremony, including fellow follower Madonna, who introduced Britney to the religion.

Britney, who was raised as a Baptist, credits Kabbalah with turning her life around and says it helped her get rid of a lot of negative influences that were leading her down the wrong path.

She said: "Whatever your religion may be, it's amazing what the power of prayer can do, it can even perform miracles".

We need to stop finding articles like these -- the blurbs are so easy to write, it's almost unfair. But I'll try. Now, I'm not normally one to bash expectant mothers, but if Britney Spears was honestly looking to rid herself of negative influences, getting involved with Kevin Federline was a pretty bad place to start looking. For that matter, I'm not sure if getting knocked up with Federline seed was sound judgement either. Perhaps if and when Jamie Lynn starts following her example, we'll get to find out. I'm no psychic, but I should be. Because her days of hotness are numbered. Here's a reminder of what Britney used to look like.

The rest of them after the jump:

What happened?

Jennifer Lopez depressed over Bennifer II

2005-08-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Lopez has confessed hearing the news former fiancé Ben Affleck is expecting a baby with new love Jennifer Garner makes her depressed. The sexy star, who has made no secret of her desire to start a family with husband Marc Anthony, says hearing that her ex love has moved on and is starting a family with someone else makes her miserable.

When quizzed on the subject, she said: "Just by raising that subject it depresses me."

Speaking of depression, it can't be easy being a famous Jennifer these days, what with Jennifer Aniston losing Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie, or that bug-eyed Runaway Bride, or the perpetually odd-looking Jennifer Love Hewitt. However, I do feel a bit guilty about Jennifer Lopez's depression over Ben and Jen (Garner)'s baby exploits. Sending Jen (Lopez) that home-made tape of Ben and Jen (Garner) actually making the baby that Jen (Garner) is currently pregnant with, probably wasn't the best wedding gift I could have sent. That's the last time I ever listen to one of Marc Anthony's stupid ideas.

The rest of this set (plus one more) after the jump:

Nicole Kidman wants to retire from Acting

2005-08-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

Nicole Kidman is thinking about quitting acting to find love. The Australian star wants to take a break from Hollywood to look for a man to settle down with. She is quoted in Britain's Closer magazine as saying: "I won't be seen for a long time. It could be a year, it could be two. But it will definitely be a while before I come back.".

However, any prospective suitor will have to first win the approval of her two adopted children, Connor, 10, and 12-year-old Isabella, from her marriage to Tom Cruise.

She explained: "I always tell them it will be up to the three of us to decide. He'll have to get through three people."

I once watched a movie (back when I had bad taste in movies) called Excess Baggage. It starred Alicia Silverstone and a bunch of people I can't remember, but after so many years, I still remember the title. I don't know why the term "excess baggage" came to mind as I read the part where Nicole said a potential suitor of hers would have to woo both her and her offspring, but it just did. However, I'm sure a lot more men would be willing to take expensive classes on befriending (and winning the approval of) adopted children of single moms, if the single mom in question was Nicole Kidman. It's a sacrifice I, for one, am prepared to make.

Three Avril Lavignish pics after the break:

Katie Holmes doesn't like being Naked

2005-07-31T03:09:00.000-07:00

Katie Holmes was left mortified after she had to pose in a transparent spandex bodysuit for her 'Batman Begins' action figure.

The stunning actress, who is engaged to Hollywood heavyweight Tom Cruise, hated having to model for the doll of her character, Rachel Dawes, because the skin-tight, see-through suit revealed left nothing to the imagination.

She moaned: "I had to wear a nude spandex bodysuit, which showed everything."

The first time I read this, I couldn't really think of what to say. I mean, as unrealistic as the idea of Katie Holmes starring in a Batman movie might be, I'd sign her up for three more sequels if she promised nudity. But it would have to be a lot of nudity, to make up for the sheer lack of talent she'd bring to further sequels. In fact, the entire movie would pretty much have to be Batman banging Rachel everywhere -- in the batcave, over the batmobile, in front of the batsign -- everywhere. That would be totally worth watching.

Something boobalicious after the jump:

Friday Post -- Why do they hate America?

2005-07-29T04:33:00.000-07:00

In case any of you haven't been watching *real* news lately, here are some of the things that have been going on, that you probably haven't heard about (see the part about real news). I'll do this every Friday, as a sort of pressure valve for various things that make me mad. You'll still find the hi-res bonanza at the end of the post, but you might want to read a bit of this before scrolling down.

The Senate moved to shield the Gun industry.
Senate Republicans on Tuesday moved the National Rifle Association's top priority ahead of a $491 billion defense bill, setting up a vote on legislation to shield firearms manufacturers and dealers from lawsuits over gun crimes.

In other words, the party of "support our troops", basically chose "supporting our guns", over providing financial and military gear support for the boys and girls fighting for (freedom/oil/Bush) in Iraq. I have no idea what convinced half of the country to vote for that man.

Death Toll in Iraq, Death toll in the States.
US Soldiers: 1788 (as of today).
Iraqi Civilians: 26052 (best estimate as of today).
Number of WMDs found: 0

US Casualties from things unrelated to fighting Wars:
US Deaths from Heart Disease per year: 696,947
US Deaths from Cancer per year: 557,271
US Deaths from Chronic lower respiratory diseases per year: 162,672
US Deaths from Accidents (unintentional injuries) per year: 106,742

So basically, about 1.5 million Americans die from things other than "terror", every single year. But unlike with the War in Iraq, we don't spend BILLIONS of dollars each year on preventing the five leading causes of death in the U.S. Imagine if, instead of spending the 183 billion+ dollars we've spent so far (in Iraq), how much closer we'd be to curing, say, cancer every year. Well, we'd be about 183 billion dollars closer.

If you voted for Bush, and you don't regret it by now, then you're just as responsible as the people in the White House for all this mess.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Halle Berry bonanza after the jump:

Kate Hudson cant stand Virgin-Stalkers

2005-07-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

Kate Hudson has slammed men who try and woo virgins. The sexy actress and daughter of Hollywood legend Goldie Hawn also admitted she couldn't understand why men would be attracted to inexperienced girls.

She said: "I'm not a man What is the fascination with virgins anyway?

"Is it that they're untouched? Guys want to be the first to get in there? I think I just answered my own question. "I definitely wouldn't want to date a virgin".

Speaking from a perfectly neutral perspective, I can honestly state that I agree with Kate. She did just answer her own question. The sad truth of the matter is that most guys are pigs. I, of course, would be one of the few noble exceptions. Unlike the average kitty-hunting wolf known as the common male, I've managed to build up a reputation of untarnished honor and valor. And anyone that tells you different is a total and complete liar. And a bad lay in bed.

The beautiful blonde, 26, who once starred as a virgin in movie 200 Cigarettes and Gossip also slammed young women who date older men.

She added: "I just don't understand that. It's not creepy, but I'd imagine you'd want somebody active and energetic."

You know, it's not often that I agree with celebrity opinions, but Kate is spot-on here. Viagra, money, prestige, fancy gifts, and bragging rights aside, I don't really get why a younger woman would date an older man. When I was in high school (and captain of the football, soccer, and extreme kickboxing teams), I could never understand why the girls would go for the ugly (and disturbingly creepy) college guys, instead of the ugly (and only mildly-creepy) high school dudes. It must have been true love. Or prostitution. One of the two.

Three more after the break:

Joss Stone fired from Gap for dating an older man.

2005-07-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

Joss Stone has reportedly been axed as the face of Gap because of her affair with an older man. Sources claim the teenage soul singer was dropped by the fashion giants because she was romancing 25-year-old music producer Beau Dozier. The smitten star sparked controversy across America when she moved into her lover's Los Angeles home when she was just 17 - below California's age of consent.

An insider revealed: "People take things such as the age of consent extremely seriously in America."

"It is all good and well to have glamorous celebrities endorsing the clothes but the backbone of Gap's business is in small towns in Middle America where people are very, very conservative, especially in the Bible Belt."

I'm not normally one to argue against small-town conservative values, what with my staunch support of using cattle prods as a way to move through crowded shopping lines, but this is ridiculous. If Gap is going to punish Joss Stone for falling in love with an older man less than a year before turning "legal" (whatever that means) simply to pander to a "Middle American" audience, then maybe they should stop selling slutty clothes to slutty teenagers who use said slutty clothes to attract slutty older boyfriends. I'm not some kind of free-loving neo-hippy, but corporate hypocrisy gets you two thumbs down from me.

Something boobalicious after the jump:

Jessica Simspon hates America

2005-07-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson wants to know where missing footage of her and husband Nick Lachey's harrowing trip to Iraq got to - because she thinks Americans would like to see just how bad conditions are there. The pop singers-turned-reality TV couple travelled to the war-torn nation to visit US troops as part of a recent ABC TV variety special, and they were both left shellshocked by what they saw. But all the controversial moments and harrowing footage of the trip didn't appear in the fun-filled TV show.

Simpson says, "It was unbelievable. They didn't show a lot of what really went on with the enemy attacks and the shelling. There was so much stuff that went on and somehow the tapes got mysteriously misplaced."

Now, I normally don't post on the same person twice a week, but I had to make an exception for this. I don't know why Jessica would say such hateful things about America. Doesn't she know that we're winning the war, and that we're fighting them over there (and apparently in London), so we won't have to fight them over here? Iraq is perfect right now. Freedom is on the move. Watch out, Jessica. You wouldn't want to get hammered like the Dixie Chicks. They tried this whole "speaking out against how bad things really are" schtuff, and their own fans turned on them. Never forget -- freedom isn't free. Especially if it's the freedom to tell the truth about what's really going on in Iraq.

"It put everything in perspective for me. It really did teach me the definition of sacrifice. I can't even fathom being out there right now. I was ready to come home."

Natalie Portman to keep new hairdo

2005-07-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

Natalie Portman loves her shaven head so much she is thinking of keeping the dramatic look. The actress, who was forced to chop off her locks for the role of a freedom fighter in new movie V For Vendetta, says having a skinhead makes her feel empowered.

She confessed: "Being a really small girl, I've never felt threatening but now, for the first time, I feel tough. People react to me differently and I love that."

The 24-year-old was initially worried having a shaved head would send out the wrong message.

She said: “People will think I’m a neo-Nazi or a cancer victim or a lesbian. But I’m not at all.”

Let's face it: regardless of what Natalie Portman does to her hair, she'll still be hotter than 98% of her acting peers. She could shave off her eyebrows tomorrow, and you'd find people justifying her acute sense of fashion. I mean, I can't think of that many women who could simultaneously compare themselves to neo-Nazis, cancer victims, and lesbians within the same sentence -- and still come out on top. Anakin was a fool to leave her for the dark side. When Obi-Wan cut off his arms and legs, it was clearly a punishment sent down from the gods, for deserting a woman as hot as Padme.

More after the jump:

Jessica Alba kisses lesbian monkey

2005-07-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sexy star Jessica Alba has confessed to kissing a monkey. The Fantastic Four actress says ever since filming the stunt for TV, she realizes why film veterans advise never to work with animals or children.

Jessica explained: "I'm shooting a special for MTV and they told me all I had to do was push my lips out a little and the monkey would give me a peck, but instead she rammed her tongue inside my mouth and swept it all around in a circle. "She touched every inch in there! It was the most disgusting thing ever!"

This just goes to show what can happen when you dabble in bestiality. Scottish farmers aside, I've never heard of a legit story where a May-December romance between a human being and our animal brethren actually worked out. Well, unless you count that whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing. But then again, in Lord of the Rings, the dwarves were considered human, so she might have a chance with him. The bottom line is, as awesome as the thought of french-kissing a monkey might be, if it doesn't work for someone as hot as Jessica Alba, it probably won't work for you either.

Teri Hatcher (nearly) trampled by Elephants

2005-07-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Teri Hatcher has reportedly been caught up in a terrifying elephant stampede. The Desperate Housewife and her seven-year-old daughter were on safari in Africa when a herd of elephants charged towards them. The scared pair realised they were in trouble when their guide started their jeep and yelled 'stampede'.

Luckily, the guide managed to steer the vehicle off the beaten path into the jungle to avoid the animals thundering towards them. Hatcher reportedly told a friend she feared she and her daughter would be run down by the massive animals.

She is quoted as saying: "I thought we would be run down. If our Jeep had stalled we would be dead for sure."

I'm not really sure what to make of this. On one hand, getting crushed by a herd full of charging elephants would probably be a sucky way to go. On the other, it would have severe ramifications in the superhero world, by being the first definite example of proof that Superman does not exist. I mean, in Lois and Clark (and even in that neo-ripoff known as Smallville), Clark Kent told Lois he'd always be there. A memo to the man of steel: it doesn't count if you get there after she's elephant-food. And yes, I'm aware that elephants don't actually eat hot babes, or their human offspring. Don't get distracted.

See the rest after the jump:

Angelina Jolie's baby's grandmother wants her back

2005-07-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

The grandmother of Angelina Jolie's adopted daughter has spoken of her desire to take the baby back to Africa.Almaz Bifnhe put AIDS orphan Zahara Marley up for adoption after the child's mother died following the birth. However, Almaz wants her granddaughter to return to Ethiopa when the family are in a better position.

"It wept my heart to give her away, but we were too poor to keep her," Almaz is quoted by the Sunday Mirror as saying.
"No woman wants to give away her own flesh and blood, as she is all I have left of my daughter. But I thought I am doing the best for her - I want the best for her. I miss her already."

I don't want to say that I don't feel sorry for the grandmother -- 0r for people who give babies up for adoption out of necessity. But this isn't just any adoptive mom we're talking about. This is Angelina Jolie. The woman who (together with Brad Pitt), took on an entire SWAT team in a hardware store -- and won. She's invincible. I heard she once killed a stalker simply by opening and closing her lips. Or maybe it was a baseball bat to the head. I can't remember. I mean, it's hard to tell what's going on when you're running for your life, leaving a fellow stalkerbuddy to die at the hands of Angelina Jolie.

Joyful goodness after the jump:

Amazing.

Lindsay Lohan packs trunks (not filled with food)

2005-07-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan is heading for Europe for two weeks and has packed 10 trunks full of clothes. She is off to promote her new (is it still new?) Disney masterpiece, Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Her personal stylist Rachel Zoe said:
"This girl went though two trunks of clothes in 48 hours in New York, so I would imagine there will be eight or 10 trunks. She'll wear at least three outfits a day. I am the biggest fashion obsessed person in the world. But in Lindsay I feel like I may have met my match. If she wasn't an actress, she would be a stylist, because she would have to be."

I'm not exactly sure when Lindsay Lohan stopped being hot, but it couldn't have been too long ago, because the last time I saw her, which was in Mean Girls, she *almost* made me want to watch the new Harry Potter movie. And she made me ruin a new pair of jeans. She was packing serious boobage a year ago. Now she's down to packing ten trunks of clothes to cover the freckles which, oddly enough, used to be one of the hottest things about her. At this point, I think the best option for Miss Lohan would be to contact me for my famous "sex for food" program. The way I see it, it would be a win-win situation both ways.

Jessica Simpson afraid of bad acting

2005-07-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson fears her new movie The Dukes Of Hazzard will flop because people see her as a singer and not a movie star. The pop sensation is one of a growing number of young stars following in the footsteps of icons like Madonna and Jennifer Lopez who want to conquer all aspects of the entertainment industry. Simpson plays sexy heroine Daisy Duke in the big screen adaptation of the cult series and desperately hopes there will be no critical backlash concerning her acting skills.

"I don't want people walking out of a movie thinking I was trying to act or be some movie star. I want them to think, 'That might make me like Jessica a little bit more."

I'm not normally one to criticize dumb blond celebrities, but for Jessica Simpson, I'm going to make an exception. The fact that she's been mocked for "chicken of the sea" more times than you'd imagine a normal human being could be made fun of should be a pretty clear indicator of where she stands in the lineup of 'serious actresses'. Personally, I'd rank her somewhere between Britney Spears and that redhead I saw in Freckle Fetish 5: Attack of the Irish Cheerleaders. And I'd be totally right. Because I'm awesome that way.

Welcome to Starry Fever

2005-07-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Starry Fever

Starry Fever is a simple and straightforward look at the beauty (and ugliness) of society. It is not satire. It is not an attempt to improve society. It is grandiose. It is extravagant and unneccessary. Books will be written and wars will be waged over its content. It will be emblazoned within the minds of impressionable schoolchildren for decades to come.

We jest. Our goal is to document as much hotness as we can find.

Send us Something Fun(ny)

Starry Fever is always looking for new things to scrutinize, whether it be the latest celeb of the moment or the current internet "must-see". We respect our readers' anonymity as much as we love our own and we highly encourage reader submissions. First hand accounts of celebrity encounters or a snotty friend's blog are all things we're interested in. The more superficial the better. You can email us links, blurbs, or general love and hate mail here.